Wednesday, May 25, 2011

In a good space

Well it has been over a month since I last posted/ blogged or whatever.  I have been dealing with myself (productively).  I was recently laid off (again) due to there not being any money in the budget to pay me.  I panicked privately while trying to figure out which move to make next.  Well I decided to sit still and wait for some direction.  I feel that everything that I go through is a test.  I don't know if I am passing but I do know that slow n steady wins the race.  I feel that everything happens a reason so I don't question why it happen.  I just ask and pray for strength to make it through the ordeal.  I am still unemployed but I am optimistic that something will come along soon. 

My children did well in school, Cameron got promoted to the first grade and Yasmine got promoted to the ninth.  CJ will be entering Pre-K in August so the upcoming school year should be interesting.  My husband is back working so his stress load has decreased and blood pressure has as well.  I am working on Chapter 1 of my dissertation- revising again but my motto is "Slow N Steady" wins the race.  I am definitely in a good space.  I haven't been exercising as I should but I am still in a good space.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

When It Rains

Well each day brings a new adventure, some pleasant some not so pleasant.  I see that it has been a few weeks since I wrote a blog.  It hasn't been because everything has been good or bad.  It has just been.....  I took a part-time gig writing articles for an online newspaper thinking that I was making at least a dollar an article.  Only to find out that I am actually making a half a cent each time someone views the articles.  I may have cleared a dollar over the past month.  I don't know if I am disappointed or not.  I was just pleased to find out that people were actually reading my articles.  I haven't been writing the four articles a week over the past two weeks but I have been writing at least two each week just for the sake of writing.

Being a parent of a teenager is difficult.  Sad part my daughter is just entering her teeenage years.  Will we get through these years without killing each other?  I think so but it is going to be a difficult journey because she is actually younger than everyone in her grade which makes her a little less mature in some areas that they deal with on a regular basis.  She has book sense and is lacking a little in the common/ street sense area.  We recently found out that she had a boyfriend.  Yes, we were shocked.  Shocked because all of her friends (with the exception of 1) had dated this little boy.  My daughter has seen him kissing all over girls, he is a juvenile delinquent, no stable parents, etc.....  All of the wrong choices for boyfriend material.  I guess you like who you like......

Well my husband is still laid off, no success in finding a job (thus far).  We are barely skating by.  Bills get paid but that's it.  There is no extra.  Found out today that I may no longer have a job because we have lost a few clients and he can't afford to pay me.  I understand but what are we going to do financially.  God always makes a way!!!!

I did find out that I can take the course I need to take in order to get my CAC and the HOPE grant will cover the expenses.  I just have to get the application filled out, HOPE application completed, transcripts and immunization records sent to the college by May 1st.  I am procrastinating but I intend to get it completed by the time line.

My mentor finally sent back my worksheet and I may be able to begin writing my chapters.  Well we will see what happens next.  Take each day as it comes.  In the words of Jesse Jackson, Keep hope alive!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Good Feelings

I can honestly say for the past 3-4 days I have been feelings pretty good, physically and mentally.  I have taken myself off my pity pot and is actually being productive.  I have not worked on my dissertation but I have been writing (which is a start).  I have not drank an energy shot since Wed. or Thurs. and this is a daily thing for me so this is definitely progress.  I missed exercising Fri and Sat. but I worked out for 45 mins. this AM.  I have taken an online writing job as a relationship expert (lol) and it pays pennies but it allows me to write, do research, and feel productive outside of my home and work environments.

I had a conversation with my mother on Fri. in reference to writing and writing online.  I told her that I had a blog that I had not told anyone about because I basically use it to vent about things that bother me.  She asked for the URL and I reluctantly gave it to her.  I wasn't sure if I'd wrote some things on there that she would feel offended by.  Well, when I talk to her Sat. morning, she said, "I read your blog.  My daughter is in pain and I don't know what I can do to help.  It was interesting because I didn't know that you felt this way about certain things."  I wanted to ask if I had offended her but I didn't.  She didn't say anything so neither did I.  I was happy that she recognized my pain even though I always wear my tough or angry exterior. 

Well I doing ok today, no complaints just filled with some joy.  I plan for it to continue.  I plan to keep doing things which make me feel optimistic and productive even if it requires getting up a little earlier or going where I really didn't want to go.  I must also work on saying what is on my mind (tactfully of course).  I miss the old me (outspoken go-getter) but I plan to re-invent myself and make me better.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Daily Existence

I just felt as though I need to write to release today, no real topic.  It is a difficult job being a mother and a wife in addition to our "career."  I guess those of us who have families take them for granted as stressful as the family situation may be.  I think that I may stress too much about things that I literally have no control over.  Why is it that it seems the good folks finish last.  I have always tried to help people as far back as I can remember but I appear to always have the shitty end of the stick.  That may just be my perception of it- I know that I receive small blessing that others just do not recognize.  I am over stressing about my dissertation because I am waiting for my mentor and I just don't like to have to wait on others.  I have very little dissertation process.  There are days that I would love to give up and say "F@*!" it but my nature will not let me give up.  I always like to finish what I start.  With that being said- quitting is not an option!!!!  Well I can say that I am one step closer than I was last quarter.  I am at a point where my proposal worksheet is ready to be reviewed by my committee and then I can start writing my chapters (1-3).  I think that I will be able to calm down some once I can start writing on my chapters.  Hopefully, I will get to do this in the next couple of weeks. 

I think I put too many expectations on myself because others have never really put any expectations on me.  As I reflect on my 37 years, no one has really put any expectations on me.  I don't know if this is good or not because I don't know what normal expectations are.  I think that my mother was so busy trying to survive and make ends meet that she really didn't have time to list her expectations other than good grades and no babies.  My father was doing his own thing so I don't know that he had any expectations of me.  I don't know how I feel about this.  I guess I could be angry but why waste the energy.  I have learned to forgive them both because I think that they did the best they could do with what they knew and what they had.  I appreciate all my experiences while I was growing up and those which I have experienced as an adult.  Sometimes I just wish that my load would lighten up- just a little.

I have been feeling better because I have been exercising which has given me some energy and even though I have only lost a pound, a pound is better than no pounds at all.  I want to be healthy to have a long life with my children and my husband.  His health scares me.  He is overweight and his blood pressure is always sky high.  Over the past week and a half, he has been to the doctor at least four times.  In addition to him being hard headed, it appears that his medication isn't strong enough to bring his blood pressure down to a normal range.  This causes me stress because I don't want to be a widow at such a young age.  At this point all I can do is pray for the best.

I am a 37 year old female with a Master's degree.  Why is it that I have not been able to secure employment that pays me my worth.  I am happy with the work that I currently do but I do not mke any money.  It is hard to support a family with a part-time pay check.  There is no money for extra-curricular activities for myself or my family.  This in fact is stressful and depressing.  I went to school for all those years and continue to be in school- accumulating student loans with no promising financial gains but only personal goals achieved.  I am going to assume that I should thank God for the little that I do have.  Well enough sharing for today and I have to be productive (on the job).  TTFN!!!

Monday, March 14, 2011


Okay, it has been about two weeks since my last post.  Not that I didn't want to post but time didn't allow or I was just too aggravated to do so (perfect time to write).  It has been a very stressful two weeks.  No one seems to understand my stress level but me.  It is difficult for me to express this to my husband because he wants to fix everything and he can't.  He gets more stressed when I am stressed so I deal with it and process it on my own.  I am still trying to get my mentor to accept my revisions so she can forward my proposal info to my dissertation committee.  This situation is so aggravating that if I was a quitter, I would have definitely given up by now.  Since I am not a quitter I continue to press forward even though I feel as though I am sinking in quicksand.  I re-submitted again and she (mentor) made another "slight" revision and noted that I was almost there.  I have been at this since October ('10) trying to get "almost there."  In my mind with hard work and perseverance I would be finished with my dissertation in a year.  My academic advisor laughed at me and now I know why.  I know this is a process but I did not expect it to be this stressful of a process.  All I can say is Lord continue to give me the strength to endure.

In addition to the stress of my dissertation, my pre-teen daughter thinks that the world owes her something.  She feels that she can do nothing around the house yet be able to go when and where ever she pleases (because her friends mommas let them go).  I just don't know why she doesn't get it.  I have tried explaining different things and scenarios to her (over and over again) but it doesn't seem to click.  She decided to walk from school to Hungry Howies (on a major highway)with her friends.  The first day I didn't say anything even though I really wanted to fuss.  That nut tried it again the next day, school officials got involved because they were supposed to be in study hall while they were on their little walk.  She got in the car crying - for one because her favorite teacher busted her and two she got caught.  It was a scenario for a whole week.  I guarantee that won't happen again.  She'll think twice before she decides to follow her friends again (I hope).

We inherited our God child (as though there is not enough going on).  She cries all the time and is scared of everything.  She is two years old and somewhat delayed.  She is not potty trained and doesn't like feeding herself.  It is so much easier to do it for her and get it over with but that doesn't help her.  WHEW!!!!!  I don't know if this is a test of my endurance or my whatever but..........

My husband- his blood pressure stays sky high, he's gotten laid off, he's getting depressed because he's not working and aggravating the hell outta me (not on purpose but).  It is difficult trying to get a grown man to understand the importance of sitting his ass down and not stressing about things that he has no control over.  On the bright side, he is drawing unemployment!!!!  He doesn't view it this view.  It is hard to keep myself upbeat when I am trying to keep everyone else upbeat.  All I can say is "I AM TIRED."  Peace be still and I will continue to press forward.

Monday, February 28, 2011


Friend is a term that is used very loosely by a lot of people (children and adults).  I am one of those people that values a true friend.  I only have a few and they have been few and far between.  As I think back over the years, I have pretty much kept the same people in my life throughout my entire life give or take a few years.  I often feel guilty when I don't keep in touch like I should but when I am going through my "funk," I prefer not to depress the ones I love.  When I first moved to the big city of Boston I didn't know anybody but my family members.  Of course none of them lived in Boston, they lived in Thomasville which was like another world when you compared it to Boston.  I made my first friend, Tasha Hugans, at Boston Elementary.  Her father was our teacher and that was an interesting mix.  Tasha and I went through 4th and 5th grade together before we made to it the middle school in Thomasville (Chappelle-Magnolia).  Chappelle was the sixth grage and Magnolia was for 7th and 8th graders.  I had friend then but Tasha was still by my side.  I became friends with a boy, Kevin.  We were all in the band together and that is how we became friends.  He played the trombone, Tasha played the flute and I played the flute.  When we got to the 7th grade, some how we became friends with a girl named Latril.  I don't know how we became friends because she was "fast" as the old folks say.  Hey she lived in Boston too.  She and Tasha stayed in the city limits and of course I lived in the country.  At this point my friend composition changed a little, I met Monica and she became my best friend.  Don't know how it happened but she prevailed in Tasha over friendship.  I think Tasha had gotten some new friends as well.  She'd became a cheerleader and was doing things that I wasn't allowed to do (we couldn't afford it).  Well we were all good friends with another set of friends that surrounded them.  Lashun and I became friends and then Monica and Tasha added Tray to the mix and that's pretty much how it took off.  Needless to say, Monica, Tasha, Latril, Lashun and Tray are still good friends of mind. 

When I left to go to college, I had to go by myself because everybody went in different directions.  Monica and Tasha went to Valdosta State, Tray and Kevin went to Albany State, Lashun went to ABAC and well tril got pregnant our senior year and decided to have her baby.  She got married that following year.  I was all alone in the valley.  Damn, I had to make new friends.  I don't know nothing about thee people.  Who can I trust, How much do I tell, How much do I try????????  Well I did make friends and those friends stuck with me through my college years- give or take an argument here or there.  Tangee, Kim, Tameka, Ferg, Trina (left after freshman year), Tiffany and that's about it.  Well I pledged Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. in Spring of 1995 and at this point I gained some sisters in all senses of the word.  There were 36 of us but there were only a few that became my TRUE sisters- Nicole, Toya, Kisa, Cherilyn, Mikita, Kenya and Darlena.  These women are still important components to my life even though I do not keep in touch as I should.  The phrase: "LIFE HAPPENS," is so true because time flies by and then we all have children....

Since leaving the "Valley," in 1996 I really have not made many friends.  Let's see I have Ann, Jaywana, Mrs. Pat, Ms. Lois, Ashley, and Kelisa and I think that's it.  My husband has become my best friend but every girl needs a good girlfriend that they can call.  If it were not for Monica and Jaywana listening to ups and downs, highs and lows- I don't think I would have sanely made it.  The only bad thing is that I have no local friends that I hang out with.  I attempted to make a friend and I ended up getting burned by the chick.  She was younger than I am so she didn't views things as maturely as I do.  Well you live and learn and believe me I learned (even though it was the hard way).

I am going to assume that my message today is choose your friends wisely, value the friendships that you make, let your friends know that you appreciate and love them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I have been working in the social services area, specifically mental health for the past 16 or 17 years and I have yet to understand people.  Especially the ones that classify themselves as "normal."  I have seen a lot of normalcy as well as a lot of dysfunction.  I am sensitive to individual's needs or at least I would like to think so.  As a therapist, we are taught to empathize and not sympathize but people in general makes it difficult to empathize (this day and time).  People want what they want when they want it and expect you to succumb to their wishes.  I don't mind helping people but I refuse to be used, refuse to be lied on and refuse to be a part of anyone's pity party.  If you want change, change starts with you and within you.  No one can change things for you.  You, the individual, are in control of your circumstances.  Your circumstances, most times, are because of the decisions that you make.  I try to be fair in all my dealings with everyone, even those who have wronged me and hurt me. 

How can we help those who don't want to help themselves?  My answer is: YOU CAN'T!!!  People have put me in a place that I prefer not to be (to myself) because I am a people person.  I enjoy being around people, I enjoy conversing, I enjoy helping others but a few rotten apples have spoiled it for the whole bunch.  I now tell others- Seek help elsewhere because the therapist in me has left the building.  I'm sure that if someone truly needs my help and/or they are genuine, I'll be helping again but until then..........

Monday, February 21, 2011


I know I just posted but I had this thought on my mind and felt as though I needed to share.  How is it that a person can go as far as he/she does without parents pushing them.  I grew up with a mother who accepted what I can home with (grades).  She never pushed me to pursue higher education.  My biological father was ex-military and worked a factory job all his life so he didn't push me to pursue higher education.  Neither step-father pushed me to pursue higher education so where does the motivation come from to pursue higher education.  I guess it started with me wanting better for myself and for my family that would eventually come along.  I motivate myself to do and be better just for the sake of saying that I accomplished this.  Maybe this is a selfish thought but it is how I feel.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to be a failure.  I refuse to accept less of myself and my friends.  I accept what their limitation are but I will push them to their limitations.  I do this with myself, my spouse, my children, friends and family (extended).  When I realized that you don't want more, I disassociate myself from that individual and stop offering heal and support.  Same actions for those who betray me as well.  I continue to be and do the best of what is expected of me and I ask that those associated with me do the same.


Stable job, stable man, a daughter and a new baby boy. WOW! Well I got my two children and I'm finished having children now (or so I thought).  April of 2007, what another son!!  I am definitely finished having children now.  I got my tubes tied.  I am a little overwhelmed.  At the time I found out that I was pregnant with my third child, my (future) father-in-law had a series of stokes and was in the hospital.  After the strokes he went into a diabetic coma.  The decision had to be made by his family as to whether or not to leave him on life support or pull the plug (after the insurance ran out).  My maintenance man was truly a daddy's boy so this time was extremely stressful and hard on him as well as on me because I'd never had a significant other that had lost a parent.  What to say?  What to do?  Should I let him be by himself or should I crowd him with affection?  Well I took each day as it came.  I was suffering with my own grief of loosing one of the best men/fathers that I had come into contact with.  Why was God taking such a good man?  I know he's tired but why him?  Well the family end up deciding to pull the plug.  Excuse me, my maintenance man and one of his older sisters reminded the family that their dad would not want to live plugged up to all sorts of machines.  The family ended up blaming my maintenance man and his siter for "killing" their father as well as the mom blamed them as well.  Needless to say, we made it through.

Well in addition to everything else, I had quit my job in September (on principalities) and went to work for another company but they only had work to take me through to the end of the year.  I was not informed of this when they hired me.  Stressed, what am I to do with a baby on the way and no job.  Three children and no job.  I am freaking out.  Yes, I have a man but these children are MY responsibility.  At least that's how my mind works.  I am INDEPENDENT and I don't want anybody paying my bills.  Well, this had to change because I no longer have a job.  I was truly depressed.  I sat on the sofa and crocheted like an old woman in a nursing home.  I had to depend on someone else.  Those who know understand that this is TRULY hard for me.  I had to give up my control and depend on someone else.  I had my son the 18th of April.  I immediately started job hunting when the doctor released me.  I was not successful with securing a job.  I began to get depressed again.  I went outside of my element and applied for a job as a GED instructor.  I GOT THE JOB but what to do with it was the question, as I was not a teacher.  Well, I got the hang of it, eventually, and began to love it.  I stayed employed as a GED instructor until it conflicted with a full-time job that I eventually took.  The GED instructor was only part-time so I needed something else to supplement my income.  What to do.  Well I enrolled in a PhD program online.  I might as well go to school since I can't find a job.  About two weeks into school, I was offered a job at J.C. Penney as a customer service representative (fancy title for cashier).  I was in the hole working at J.C. Penney but it allowed me to get out the house.  I took the teacher's certification test (Basic Skills) because I was sure that I would enjoy going into the school system full-time since I was enjoying working as a GED Instructor.  Well in August '08 I began working as a Kindergarten/ First Grade teacher at a private school.  It was definitely challenging.  Challenging because I was making only $10 an hour and challenging because there was not a curriculum in place nor the books which the parents ordered through the school.  Another story within itself.  In January '09 I was told that the school could no longer afford to pay me (on a Friday afternoon with no warning). WOW!! What to do now?  I was still working part-time as a GED instructor but my full-time income was cut short with no warning.  We'd just recently moved into a bigger house (more rent).  Whew!!!  Approximately two weeks later, I got a telephone call from an old supervisor (who I no longer cared for), asking me to come work for her.  She stated that she understood that I still had ill feeling toward her but wanted to know if I would come work with/ for her.  I told her that I would call in two weeks because I was about to get married......  She stated that she would hold the position for two weeks and call her back once I got back to town.  I did inquire as to how much the position paid.  She told me.  I wrestled with the idea of needing a job vs. not liking her.  Needing a job won.  I was employed with her for seven months before she had her supervisor to fire me (pretty much because I would not be her friend again).  I was pissed off but I was able to draw unemployment so it wasn't all bad.

I more or less stayed unemployed for over a year before going to work running a homeless shelter/ independent living facility.  This is where I currently work and am happy.  The pay is not great but I enjoy what I do and have peace of mind.  Two out of three ain't bad.  Did I mention all of these transitions and aggravations while enrolled in a PhD program with a 3.7 GPA.  I am currently in my dissertation phase of my PhD program.  This is more stress (feels like) that I have endured throughout the whole PhD program.  The waiting is driving me insane.  I am working on someone else timeline and there's nothing that I can do about it.  I finally got my mentor to approve my research question and methodology.  I am waiting for the responses from my committee before I can move forward with writing my chapters. 

Thursday, February 17, 2011


I began my new job as the Social Service Director in August of 1999.  I did not have a clue what to do as all my experience had been with Substance Abuse and I was embarking on the mentally retarded and physical disabilities.  I was familiar with individuals having mental retardation but not those with the physical disabilities (to include abnormally long tongues, blindness, etc).  WOW!!! Well my assistant was supposed to be training me but in essence she was sabotaging me.  She was my mother's age and felt as though I was too young to be telling her what to do.  Her exact words, "I have a son your age."  I enjoyed my job but I hated going to work because of her.  I was quitting in 90 days, I was quitting in six months, I was quitting in a year, well you get the point.  At the end of my first year and after my evaluation, I cursed my assistant out, told her that I was her boss and I made the final decisions on what was going to occur and asked her to get out of my office. Needless to say, I stayed at that job for 6 1/2 years because I enjoyed my job and the money was good.  At the end of year six, it seems like the devil got very busy in the workplace.  I allowed him to take over and I resigned in February 2006.  I was working a part-time job where I was making just as much money on as I was from my full-time job.  I was happy and enjoying my existence.  Oh I forgot during this time I'd met several men but settled down with the "maintenance man."  I had separated from my daughter's father in 2000 and became involved with the "maintenance man" in November 2001.  Not my ideal man, he was short in stature and very solid (almost fat).  However, he catered to my every need and want as well as my daughter.  Never had this before- a new experience.  Someone cared about what I wanted and needed.  Well I gave birth to my second child, a son, in October 2004.  My ready made family was complete with the exception of the marriage component.  I wasn't feeling the marriage thing- I was good without it.  He wanted to get married but I had fear of marriage because my mother had been married three times and I saw (in my mind) three failed marriages.  I did not want to be a repeat of my mother so I preferred not to get married.  In addition, my "maintenance man" was a rebel and I wasn't sure that I wanted to marry him even though I loved him.  What to do?????

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Graduate School and Beyond

I began graduate school in June 1996 working on a Master's in Mental Health Counseling.  I was working two jobs and thought I had the world on my side.  I was working in the Financial Aid office and I was working at Ga. Center for Youth.  At this point I was still dating "Wishbone" who was one of the campus most popular guys and might I add desceetly whorish.  In December I was getting ready to go to Atl to visit "Wishbone" for his birthday only to find out that he'd been sleeping with one of my co-worker's sister/ cousin or something like that.  Either way it went, he was cheating and he was cheating with a nasty girl.  I ended the relationship by telephone call.  I decided to move forward without "Wishbone."  I went home for the weekend and being nosey is how I ended up with my next "project."  My girls and I had gone out for the evening and rapping up our night when I spotted a white escort with an FVSU tag on the car. Me with my nosey ass decided to see who was in the car.  I thought no one was in the car but I saw a speckle og gold (teeth) and to my surprise, there was a very dark skinned young man in the car.  I introduced myself, exchanged numbers and stated that maybe we could catch a movie sometime in the "Valley."  Well we caught more than a movie........  I got that illness called pregnancy a few months later.  Disappointed in myself because I had gotten caght up.  I was not ready for a child, I had two jobs, was in school, and making plans for other things.  What to do?  Well, I ended up with a beautiful daughter (9/14/97) as a result.  I tried to make the relationship work but.........

After my relationship with my daughter's father, I decided that I needed to figure out what I wanted and needed for me.  Oh yeah, I ended up moving back to Boston, GA when my daughter was six months old.  Yes I was still in graduate school and had completed most of my course work give or take one or two course and my internship.  My daughter's father was supposed to be moving to Florida and I didn't want strangers caring for my child while I was working so that's why I moved back home.  I can say that determination is a powerful thing.  Determination is what kept me going to a 40 hour a week internship, driving to class (2 1/2 hours), sitting in class (5 hours), and driving back home (2 1/2 hours) and trying to spend time with my young child.  My mom took on most of that responsibility during this time frame (Apr.- Dec).  I graduated with a Master's in Mental Health Counseling in July 1999 even though I finished in December 2008.  I secured my first "real" job in August of 1999 as a Social Services Director for an Intermediate Care Facility in Valdosta, Georgia

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What Next??

In my senior year of high school I decided to go to college, mainly because I wanted to get out of the house with my mother.  I only began applying to school mid way through my senior year so I had no true direction as to what I wanted to become and what impace I wanted to make.  I enrolled in Fort Valley State Universtiy as a business major because that's where the money was said to be- in the business field.  I entered college as naive as a young girl could be, in a good sense though.  I has lead somewhat of a sheltered existence as me and my friends weren't allowed to do a lot of things and definitely not without our parents.  My mother is a Jehovah's Witness so this should alert most as to how sheltered a life a lead with a few exceptions.  I being an only child entered my dorm room to find a roommate.  This in itself would be an interesting situation- having to share.  I went to FVSU not knowing anyone there but one guy who was a senior and had his own life to live.  I quickly made friends.  My roommate had a sister that attended FVSU so she and I did not hang out, we only saw each other in passing.  I had this new found freedom, what to do with it??? Well,  let's say I went to all my classes and I went to the clubs and all the student center parties, and a few off campus parties and plenty road trips.  I partied Thurs- Sat, only stopping to eat and sleep.  My sophmore year I joined the Blue Machine Marching Band which added to my already extensive list of drinking and partying.  I remained in the band for two years and decided to let it go after the second year for a number of reasons.

Well I woke up one day and decided that I was not doing well in school and it was time to get back on track, academically before I loose my financial aid or be placed on academic probation.  I think my GPA was a 2.03.  I did just enough to get by (my usual). I decided in my second junior year (as I call it) that I wanted to graduate and graduate with good grades.  I changed my major as I had entered a business major which wasn't working out so I took courses in Education, Social Work and Psychology to see which I enjoyed the most.  I didn't really like children so that kind of kicked me out from being a teacher which left social work and psychology.  I ended up graduating with a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work one quarter off track and with a 2.97 GPA.  I was angry at myself when I realized how much time I'd wasted drinking, playing, partying, etc....  I went home after graduation considering moving back home.  I went out and my mother stated, "No staying out all night, no spending the night anywhere, no one staying the night over here and....."  I don't remember the rest that was said because I was stuck with no staying out all night.  I remember saying but I'm grown.  She replied, "Not in this house," and that is how I enrolled in graduate school.  I said to myself, "I'll be damn if I'm going to stay here and can't go and come as I please."  I was now enrolled in graduate school, ain't life funny.

Monday, February 14, 2011


I can regularly say that I inspire people, whether it is directly or indirectly But I can truly say that I have been inspired by my sister/friend, Nicole Keith.  We all go through our personal struggles and journals on a daily basis but to share them with the world (in more ways than one) is truly an exceptional feat.  I remember during my freshman year of college that I began writing my autobiography and became so emotionally overwhelmed that I put it down after I got to about page 23.  I always felt like a failure for never finishing my story but there were several journeys that I never shared with anyone including my mother.  In a sense I felt like it was betrayal to share with others what I had not shared with her.  I now feel differently.  There are things that I still will keep in the closet simply because I have processed them within myself and with strength from God, I can move forward.  I was talking with my boss last week and he stated that he could see my stress even though I wear a "silent stress" as he called it.  I graciously answered, "I am always stressed."  After going home, I tried to reflect back to a time that I have been truly happy here on earth.  Needless to say, I had a difficult time doing so.  When I wasn't stressed out about my issues, I was stressing over my friends issues and trying to figure out how to make things better for everybody-myself included. 

My childhood could be considered to be good for those that were outside looking in.  I always felt things could have and should have been better.  I was just a child I had no control over anything, I just had to sit back and enjoy the ride regardless of if it steered off path or not.  I grew up an only child with divorced parents.  My life took it's worst turn (or so I thought) when I was nine years old and my mother moved from the city (Atl.) to Boston, GA.  No, not Boston, Mass. but Boston, GA. Boston was fun for the summers but I never wanted to live there permanently.  My biological father lived and remained in Atlanta.  To make matters worst, I inherited an alcoholic/drug abusing/ physically abusive step-father within months of the move.  He initially was a nice guy that only drank wine.  His wine drinking progressed to cocaine use over the course of about three years- maybe not that long.  He got locked up and my mom got a divorce so things were much better after he was gone.  My biological father was involved with my childhood to a degree but by the time I turned 13, my memories of him become few and far between.  He got to be missing in action shortly there after.  I later learned that my biological dad had developed a drug problem; he was a functional addict though because he went to work at GM everyday and eventually retired from GM.  My high school years were great in comparison.  I had good friends that I'd been friends with since elementary and middle school so during that time (most of it) I was genuinely happy.  Our senior year was truly a year to remember.  We were all getting ready to take our journey.  I thought I would be taking my journey with my best friend, Monica, but later found out that she would be going to Valdosta State University instead of Fort Valley State University. Such a bummer.  We had done just about EVERYTHING together since our freshman year of high school so to have to go off to college without her was such a scary thought.  Needless to say I made it.