I just felt as though I need to write to release today, no real topic. It is a difficult job being a mother and a wife in addition to our "career." I guess those of us who have families take them for granted as stressful as the family situation may be. I think that I may stress too much about things that I literally have no control over. Why is it that it seems the good folks finish last. I have always tried to help people as far back as I can remember but I appear to always have the shitty end of the stick. That may just be my perception of it- I know that I receive small blessing that others just do not recognize. I am over stressing about my dissertation because I am waiting for my mentor and I just don't like to have to wait on others. I have very little dissertation process. There are days that I would love to give up and say "F@*!" it but my nature will not let me give up. I always like to finish what I start. With that being said- quitting is not an option!!!! Well I can say that I am one step closer than I was last quarter. I am at a point where my proposal worksheet is ready to be reviewed by my committee and then I can start writing my chapters (1-3). I think that I will be able to calm down some once I can start writing on my chapters. Hopefully, I will get to do this in the next couple of weeks.
I think I put too many expectations on myself because others have never really put any expectations on me. As I reflect on my 37 years, no one has really put any expectations on me. I don't know if this is good or not because I don't know what normal expectations are. I think that my mother was so busy trying to survive and make ends meet that she really didn't have time to list her expectations other than good grades and no babies. My father was doing his own thing so I don't know that he had any expectations of me. I don't know how I feel about this. I guess I could be angry but why waste the energy. I have learned to forgive them both because I think that they did the best they could do with what they knew and what they had. I appreciate all my experiences while I was growing up and those which I have experienced as an adult. Sometimes I just wish that my load would lighten up- just a little.
I have been feeling better because I have been exercising which has given me some energy and even though I have only lost a pound, a pound is better than no pounds at all. I want to be healthy to have a long life with my children and my husband. His health scares me. He is overweight and his blood pressure is always sky high. Over the past week and a half, he has been to the doctor at least four times. In addition to him being hard headed, it appears that his medication isn't strong enough to bring his blood pressure down to a normal range. This causes me stress because I don't want to be a widow at such a young age. At this point all I can do is pray for the best.
I am a 37 year old female with a Master's degree. Why is it that I have not been able to secure employment that pays me my worth. I am happy with the work that I currently do but I do not mke any money. It is hard to support a family with a part-time pay check. There is no money for extra-curricular activities for myself or my family. This in fact is stressful and depressing. I went to school for all those years and continue to be in school- accumulating student loans with no promising financial gains but only personal goals achieved. I am going to assume that I should thank God for the little that I do have. Well enough sharing for today and I have to be productive (on the job). TTFN!!!
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