Sunday, March 27, 2011

Good Feelings

I can honestly say for the past 3-4 days I have been feelings pretty good, physically and mentally.  I have taken myself off my pity pot and is actually being productive.  I have not worked on my dissertation but I have been writing (which is a start).  I have not drank an energy shot since Wed. or Thurs. and this is a daily thing for me so this is definitely progress.  I missed exercising Fri and Sat. but I worked out for 45 mins. this AM.  I have taken an online writing job as a relationship expert (lol) and it pays pennies but it allows me to write, do research, and feel productive outside of my home and work environments.

I had a conversation with my mother on Fri. in reference to writing and writing online.  I told her that I had a blog that I had not told anyone about because I basically use it to vent about things that bother me.  She asked for the URL and I reluctantly gave it to her.  I wasn't sure if I'd wrote some things on there that she would feel offended by.  Well, when I talk to her Sat. morning, she said, "I read your blog.  My daughter is in pain and I don't know what I can do to help.  It was interesting because I didn't know that you felt this way about certain things."  I wanted to ask if I had offended her but I didn't.  She didn't say anything so neither did I.  I was happy that she recognized my pain even though I always wear my tough or angry exterior. 

Well I doing ok today, no complaints just filled with some joy.  I plan for it to continue.  I plan to keep doing things which make me feel optimistic and productive even if it requires getting up a little earlier or going where I really didn't want to go.  I must also work on saying what is on my mind (tactfully of course).  I miss the old me (outspoken go-getter) but I plan to re-invent myself and make me better.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Daily Existence

I just felt as though I need to write to release today, no real topic.  It is a difficult job being a mother and a wife in addition to our "career."  I guess those of us who have families take them for granted as stressful as the family situation may be.  I think that I may stress too much about things that I literally have no control over.  Why is it that it seems the good folks finish last.  I have always tried to help people as far back as I can remember but I appear to always have the shitty end of the stick.  That may just be my perception of it- I know that I receive small blessing that others just do not recognize.  I am over stressing about my dissertation because I am waiting for my mentor and I just don't like to have to wait on others.  I have very little dissertation process.  There are days that I would love to give up and say "F@*!" it but my nature will not let me give up.  I always like to finish what I start.  With that being said- quitting is not an option!!!!  Well I can say that I am one step closer than I was last quarter.  I am at a point where my proposal worksheet is ready to be reviewed by my committee and then I can start writing my chapters (1-3).  I think that I will be able to calm down some once I can start writing on my chapters.  Hopefully, I will get to do this in the next couple of weeks. 

I think I put too many expectations on myself because others have never really put any expectations on me.  As I reflect on my 37 years, no one has really put any expectations on me.  I don't know if this is good or not because I don't know what normal expectations are.  I think that my mother was so busy trying to survive and make ends meet that she really didn't have time to list her expectations other than good grades and no babies.  My father was doing his own thing so I don't know that he had any expectations of me.  I don't know how I feel about this.  I guess I could be angry but why waste the energy.  I have learned to forgive them both because I think that they did the best they could do with what they knew and what they had.  I appreciate all my experiences while I was growing up and those which I have experienced as an adult.  Sometimes I just wish that my load would lighten up- just a little.

I have been feeling better because I have been exercising which has given me some energy and even though I have only lost a pound, a pound is better than no pounds at all.  I want to be healthy to have a long life with my children and my husband.  His health scares me.  He is overweight and his blood pressure is always sky high.  Over the past week and a half, he has been to the doctor at least four times.  In addition to him being hard headed, it appears that his medication isn't strong enough to bring his blood pressure down to a normal range.  This causes me stress because I don't want to be a widow at such a young age.  At this point all I can do is pray for the best.

I am a 37 year old female with a Master's degree.  Why is it that I have not been able to secure employment that pays me my worth.  I am happy with the work that I currently do but I do not mke any money.  It is hard to support a family with a part-time pay check.  There is no money for extra-curricular activities for myself or my family.  This in fact is stressful and depressing.  I went to school for all those years and continue to be in school- accumulating student loans with no promising financial gains but only personal goals achieved.  I am going to assume that I should thank God for the little that I do have.  Well enough sharing for today and I have to be productive (on the job).  TTFN!!!

Monday, March 14, 2011


Okay, it has been about two weeks since my last post.  Not that I didn't want to post but time didn't allow or I was just too aggravated to do so (perfect time to write).  It has been a very stressful two weeks.  No one seems to understand my stress level but me.  It is difficult for me to express this to my husband because he wants to fix everything and he can't.  He gets more stressed when I am stressed so I deal with it and process it on my own.  I am still trying to get my mentor to accept my revisions so she can forward my proposal info to my dissertation committee.  This situation is so aggravating that if I was a quitter, I would have definitely given up by now.  Since I am not a quitter I continue to press forward even though I feel as though I am sinking in quicksand.  I re-submitted again and she (mentor) made another "slight" revision and noted that I was almost there.  I have been at this since October ('10) trying to get "almost there."  In my mind with hard work and perseverance I would be finished with my dissertation in a year.  My academic advisor laughed at me and now I know why.  I know this is a process but I did not expect it to be this stressful of a process.  All I can say is Lord continue to give me the strength to endure.

In addition to the stress of my dissertation, my pre-teen daughter thinks that the world owes her something.  She feels that she can do nothing around the house yet be able to go when and where ever she pleases (because her friends mommas let them go).  I just don't know why she doesn't get it.  I have tried explaining different things and scenarios to her (over and over again) but it doesn't seem to click.  She decided to walk from school to Hungry Howies (on a major highway)with her friends.  The first day I didn't say anything even though I really wanted to fuss.  That nut tried it again the next day, school officials got involved because they were supposed to be in study hall while they were on their little walk.  She got in the car crying - for one because her favorite teacher busted her and two she got caught.  It was a scenario for a whole week.  I guarantee that won't happen again.  She'll think twice before she decides to follow her friends again (I hope).

We inherited our God child (as though there is not enough going on).  She cries all the time and is scared of everything.  She is two years old and somewhat delayed.  She is not potty trained and doesn't like feeding herself.  It is so much easier to do it for her and get it over with but that doesn't help her.  WHEW!!!!!  I don't know if this is a test of my endurance or my whatever but..........

My husband- his blood pressure stays sky high, he's gotten laid off, he's getting depressed because he's not working and aggravating the hell outta me (not on purpose but).  It is difficult trying to get a grown man to understand the importance of sitting his ass down and not stressing about things that he has no control over.  On the bright side, he is drawing unemployment!!!!  He doesn't view it this view.  It is hard to keep myself upbeat when I am trying to keep everyone else upbeat.  All I can say is "I AM TIRED."  Peace be still and I will continue to press forward.