In a good space

Well it has been over a month since I last posted/ blogged or whatever.  I have been dealing with myself (productively).  I was recently laid off (again) due to there not being any money in the budget to pay me.  I panicked privately while trying to figure out which move to make next.  Well I decided to sit still and wait for some direction.  I feel that everything that I go through is a test.  I don't know if I am passing but I do know that slow n steady wins the race.  I feel that everything happens a reason so I don't question why it happen.  I just ask and pray for strength to make it through the ordeal.  I am still unemployed but I am optimistic that something will come along soon. 

My children did well in school, Cameron got promoted to the first grade and Yasmine got promoted to the ninth.  CJ will be entering Pre-K in August so the upcoming school year should be interesting.  My husband is back working so his stress load has decreased and blood pressure has as well.  I am working on Chapter 1 of my dissertation- revising again but my motto is "Slow N Steady" wins the race.  I am definitely in a good space.  I haven't been exercising as I should but I am still in a good space.

When It Rains

Well each day brings a new adventure, some pleasant some not so pleasant.  I see that it has been a few weeks since I wrote a blog.  It hasn't been because everything has been good or bad.  It has just been.....  I took a part-time gig writing articles for an online newspaper thinking that I was making at least a dollar an article.  Only to find out that I am actually making a half a cent each time someone views the articles.  I may have cleared a dollar over the past month.  I don't know if I am disappointed or not.  I was just pleased to find out that people were actually reading my articles.  I haven't been writing the four articles a week over the past two weeks but I have been writing at least two each week just for the sake of writing.

Being a parent of a teenager is difficult.  Sad part my daughter is just entering her teeenage years.  Will we get through these years without killing each other?  I think so but it is going to be a difficult journey because she is actually younger than everyone in her grade which makes her a little less mature in some areas that they deal with on a regular basis.  She has book sense and is lacking a little in the common/ street sense area.  We recently found out that she had a boyfriend.  Yes, we were shocked.  Shocked because all of her friends (with the exception of 1) had dated this little boy.  My daughter has seen him kissing all over girls, he is a juvenile delinquent, no stable parents, etc.....  All of the wrong choices for boyfriend material.  I guess you like who you like......

Well my husband is still laid off, no success in finding a job (thus far).  We are barely skating by.  Bills get paid but that's it.  There is no extra.  Found out today that I may no longer have a job because we have lost a few clients and he can't afford to pay me.  I understand but what are we going to do financially.  God always makes a way!!!!

I did find out that I can take the course I need to take in order to get my CAC and the HOPE grant will cover the expenses.  I just have to get the application filled out, HOPE application completed, transcripts and immunization records sent to the college by May 1st.  I am procrastinating but I intend to get it completed by the time line.

My mentor finally sent back my worksheet and I may be able to begin writing my chapters.  Well we will see what happens next.  Take each day as it comes.  In the words of Jesse Jackson, Keep hope alive!!!!!!!

Good Feelings

I can honestly say for the past 3-4 days I have been feelings pretty good, physically and mentally.  I have taken myself off my pity pot and is actually being productive.  I have not worked on my dissertation but I have been writing (which is a start).  I have not drank an energy shot since Wed. or Thurs. and this is a daily thing for me so this is definitely progress.  I missed exercising Fri and Sat. but I worked out for 45 mins. this AM.  I have taken an online writing job as a relationship expert (lol) and it pays pennies but it allows me to write, do research, and feel productive outside of my home and work environments.

I had a conversation with my mother on Fri. in reference to writing and writing online.  I told her that I had a blog that I had not told anyone about because I basically use it to vent about things that bother me.  She asked for the URL and I reluctantly gave it to her.  I wasn't sure if I'd wrote some things on there that she would feel offended by.  Well, when I talk to her Sat. morning, she said, "I read your blog.  My daughter is in pain and I don't know what I can do to help.  It was interesting because I didn't know that you felt this way about certain things."  I wanted to ask if I had offended her but I didn't.  She didn't say anything so neither did I.  I was happy that she recognized my pain even though I always wear my tough or angry exterior. 

Well I doing ok today, no complaints just filled with some joy.  I plan for it to continue.  I plan to keep doing things which make me feel optimistic and productive even if it requires getting up a little earlier or going where I really didn't want to go.  I must also work on saying what is on my mind (tactfully of course).  I miss the old me (outspoken go-getter) but I plan to re-invent myself and make me better.

My Daily Existence

I just felt as though I need to write to release today, no real topic.  It is a difficult job being a mother and a wife in addition to our "career."  I guess those of us who have families take them for granted as stressful as the family situation may be.  I think that I may stress too much about things that I literally have no control over.  Why is it that it seems the good folks finish last.  I have always tried to help people as far back as I can remember but I appear to always have the shitty end of the stick.  That may just be my perception of it- I know that I receive small blessing that others just do not recognize.  I am over stressing about my dissertation because I am waiting for my mentor and I just don't like to have to wait on others.  I have very little dissertation process.  There are days that I would love to give up and say "F@*!" it but my nature will not let me give up.  I always like to finish what I start.  With that being said- quitting is not an option!!!!  Well I can say that I am one step closer than I was last quarter.  I am at a point where my proposal worksheet is ready to be reviewed by my committee and then I can start writing my chapters (1-3).  I think that I will be able to calm down some once I can start writing on my chapters.  Hopefully, I will get to do this in the next couple of weeks. 

I think I put too many expectations on myself because others have never really put any expectations on me.  As I reflect on my 37 years, no one has really put any expectations on me.  I don't know if this is good or not because I don't know what normal expectations are.  I think that my mother was so busy trying to survive and make ends meet that she really didn't have time to list her expectations other than good grades and no babies.  My father was doing his own thing so I don't know that he had any expectations of me.  I don't know how I feel about this.  I guess I could be angry but why waste the energy.  I have learned to forgive them both because I think that they did the best they could do with what they knew and what they had.  I appreciate all my experiences while I was growing up and those which I have experienced as an adult.  Sometimes I just wish that my load would lighten up- just a little.

I have been feeling better because I have been exercising which has given me some energy and even though I have only lost a pound, a pound is better than no pounds at all.  I want to be healthy to have a long life with my children and my husband.  His health scares me.  He is overweight and his blood pressure is always sky high.  Over the past week and a half, he has been to the doctor at least four times.  In addition to him being hard headed, it appears that his medication isn't strong enough to bring his blood pressure down to a normal range.  This causes me stress because I don't want to be a widow at such a young age.  At this point all I can do is pray for the best.

I am a 37 year old female with a Master's degree.  Why is it that I have not been able to secure employment that pays me my worth.  I am happy with the work that I currently do but I do not mke any money.  It is hard to support a family with a part-time pay check.  There is no money for extra-curricular activities for myself or my family.  This in fact is stressful and depressing.  I went to school for all those years and continue to be in school- accumulating student loans with no promising financial gains but only personal goals achieved.  I am going to assume that I should thank God for the little that I do have.  Well enough sharing for today and I have to be productive (on the job).  TTFN!!!

FRUSTRATION

Okay, it has been about two weeks since my last post.  Not that I didn't want to post but time didn't allow or I was just too aggravated to do so (perfect time to write).  It has been a very stressful two weeks.  No one seems to understand my stress level but me.  It is difficult for me to express this to my husband because he wants to fix everything and he can't.  He gets more stressed when I am stressed so I deal with it and process it on my own.  I am still trying to get my mentor to accept my revisions so she can forward my proposal info to my dissertation committee.  This situation is so aggravating that if I was a quitter, I would have definitely given up by now.  Since I am not a quitter I continue to press forward even though I feel as though I am sinking in quicksand.  I re-submitted again and she (mentor) made another "slight" revision and noted that I was almost there.  I have been at this since October ('10) trying to get "almost there."  In my mind with hard work and perseverance I would be finished with my dissertation in a year.  My academic advisor laughed at me and now I know why.  I know this is a process but I did not expect it to be this stressful of a process.  All I can say is Lord continue to give me the strength to endure.

In addition to the stress of my dissertation, my pre-teen daughter thinks that the world owes her something.  She feels that she can do nothing around the house yet be able to go when and where ever she pleases (because her friends mommas let them go).  I just don't know why she doesn't get it.  I have tried explaining different things and scenarios to her (over and over again) but it doesn't seem to click.  She decided to walk from school to Hungry Howies (on a major highway)with her friends.  The first day I didn't say anything even though I really wanted to fuss.  That nut tried it again the next day, school officials got involved because they were supposed to be in study hall while they were on their little walk.  She got in the car crying - for one because her favorite teacher busted her and two she got caught.  It was a scenario for a whole week.  I guarantee that won't happen again.  She'll think twice before she decides to follow her friends again (I hope).

We inherited our God child (as though there is not enough going on).  She cries all the time and is scared of everything.  She is two years old and somewhat delayed.  She is not potty trained and doesn't like feeding herself.  It is so much easier to do it for her and get it over with but that doesn't help her.  WHEW!!!!!  I don't know if this is a test of my endurance or my whatever but..........

My husband- his blood pressure stays sky high, he's gotten laid off, he's getting depressed because he's not working and aggravating the hell outta me (not on purpose but).  It is difficult trying to get a grown man to understand the importance of sitting his ass down and not stressing about things that he has no control over.  On the bright side, he is drawing unemployment!!!!  He doesn't view it this view.  It is hard to keep myself upbeat when I am trying to keep everyone else upbeat.  All I can say is "I AM TIRED."  Peace be still and I will continue to press forward.

Friends

Friend is a term that is used very loosely by a lot of people (children and adults).  I am one of those people that values a true friend.  I only have a few and they have been few and far between.  As I think back over the years, I have pretty much kept the same people in my life throughout my entire life give or take a few years.  I often feel guilty when I don't keep in touch like I should but when I am going through my "funk," I prefer not to depress the ones I love.  When I first moved to the big city of Boston I didn't know anybody but my family members.  Of course none of them lived in Boston, they lived in Thomasville which was like another world when you compared it to Boston.  I made my first friend, Tasha Hugans, at Boston Elementary.  Her father was our teacher and that was an interesting mix.  Tasha and I went through 4th and 5th grade together before we made to it the middle school in Thomasville (Chappelle-Magnolia).  Chappelle was the sixth grage and Magnolia was for 7th and 8th graders.  I had friend then but Tasha was still by my side.  I became friends with a boy, Kevin.  We were all in the band together and that is how we became friends.  He played the trombone, Tasha played the flute and I played the flute.  When we got to the 7th grade, some how we became friends with a girl named Latril.  I don't know how we became friends because she was "fast" as the old folks say.  Hey she lived in Boston too.  She and Tasha stayed in the city limits and of course I lived in the country.  At this point my friend composition changed a little, I met Monica and she became my best friend.  Don't know how it happened but she prevailed in Tasha over friendship.  I think Tasha had gotten some new friends as well.  She'd became a cheerleader and was doing things that I wasn't allowed to do (we couldn't afford it).  Well we were all good friends with another set of friends that surrounded them.  Lashun and I became friends and then Monica and Tasha added Tray to the mix and that's pretty much how it took off.  Needless to say, Monica, Tasha, Latril, Lashun and Tray are still good friends of mind. 

When I left to go to college, I had to go by myself because everybody went in different directions.  Monica and Tasha went to Valdosta State, Tray and Kevin went to Albany State, Lashun went to ABAC and well tril got pregnant our senior year and decided to have her baby.  She got married that following year.  I was all alone in the valley.  Damn, I had to make new friends.  I don't know nothing about thee people.  Who can I trust, How much do I tell, How much do I try????????  Well I did make friends and those friends stuck with me through my college years- give or take an argument here or there.  Tangee, Kim, Tameka, Ferg, Trina (left after freshman year), Tiffany and that's about it.  Well I pledged Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. in Spring of 1995 and at this point I gained some sisters in all senses of the word.  There were 36 of us but there were only a few that became my TRUE sisters- Nicole, Toya, Kisa, Cherilyn, Mikita, Kenya and Darlena.  These women are still important components to my life even though I do not keep in touch as I should.  The phrase: "LIFE HAPPENS," is so true because time flies by and then we all have children....

Since leaving the "Valley," in 1996 I really have not made many friends.  Let's see I have Ann, Jaywana, Mrs. Pat, Ms. Lois, Ashley, and Kelisa and I think that's it.  My husband has become my best friend but every girl needs a good girlfriend that they can call.  If it were not for Monica and Jaywana listening to ups and downs, highs and lows- I don't think I would have sanely made it.  The only bad thing is that I have no local friends that I hang out with.  I attempted to make a friend and I ended up getting burned by the chick.  She was younger than I am so she didn't views things as maturely as I do.  Well you live and learn and believe me I learned (even though it was the hard way).

I am going to assume that my message today is choose your friends wisely, value the friendships that you make, let your friends know that you appreciate and love them.

People

I have been working in the social services area, specifically mental health for the past 16 or 17 years and I have yet to understand people.  Especially the ones that classify themselves as "normal."  I have seen a lot of normalcy as well as a lot of dysfunction.  I am sensitive to individual's needs or at least I would like to think so.  As a therapist, we are taught to empathize and not sympathize but people in general makes it difficult to empathize (this day and time).  People want what they want when they want it and expect you to succumb to their wishes.  I don't mind helping people but I refuse to be used, refuse to be lied on and refuse to be a part of anyone's pity party.  If you want change, change starts with you and within you.  No one can change things for you.  You, the individual, are in control of your circumstances.  Your circumstances, most times, are because of the decisions that you make.  I try to be fair in all my dealings with everyone, even those who have wronged me and hurt me. 

How can we help those who don't want to help themselves?  My answer is: YOU CAN'T!!!  People have put me in a place that I prefer not to be (to myself) because I am a people person.  I enjoy being around people, I enjoy conversing, I enjoy helping others but a few rotten apples have spoiled it for the whole bunch.  I now tell others- Seek help elsewhere because the therapist in me has left the building.  I'm sure that if someone truly needs my help and/or they are genuine, I'll be helping again but until then..........