Judgmental or Not?

Are your thoughts judgmental even though your actions may not be?   As I wrote this question I reflected on a conversation that I was having the previous day.  Sometimes we are judgmental even when we think we aren’t.  Judgmental is defined as having or displaying an excessively critical point of view; to judge harshly.  I reflected on my thoughts, actions, and responses about several things over the past few months and determined I, myself, was being judgmental.  I was unconsciously judgmental about several things that I thought that I was being open-minded about.  Unconsciously, I was asking- How? Why? When? What?  When in fact the How, Why? When? What? Was none of my business.  What really was my business was how I handled my thoughts, actions, and responses to what was being presented to me from others, scarred and unscarred; therapeutically and personal…..

I think that when we work in the “helping field, we’re judgmental even when we think that we’re not.  We want people to think, act, and respond the way that we think they should and/or based upon the treatment regimen which we design for them.  And when they don’t we begin to question, Why?   If it is only for a brief moment when we question, Why, we were still judgmental in that second.

I have always been analytical and question things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I think that is part of what makes ME who I am.  I analyze and ask questions to get an understanding so that I won’t present a judgmental.  In our minds, we ask:

ü Why is she/he wearing that?

ü Why is she/he looking like that?

ü How can she/he stay in that relationship and he beating her/him?

ü How can she/he stay in that “bad marriage?”

ü Why not leave?

ü How can she choose a man over her children?

ü How can he take care of someone else’s children when he’s not taking care of his own?

ü Why he won’t pay his child support?

ü Why she sells her food stamps?

ü Why she sells her body?

ü How can he/she cheat on his wife/husband?

ü How she/he sleeps with women/men?

ü Why won’t they communicate with each other?

ü Why, why, why?

ü How, how, how?

I think that we ask these questions because that is the human side of us.  The professional side of us seeks a solution or passes judgment (even when we attempt not to).  The spiritual side of us asks us not to pass judgment, “Judge not, that you not be judged….” (Matthew 7:1-5).  Take time for self-examination regarding whether you’re judgmental or not in thoughts and/or in deeds.  Do you not help others because you’ve deemed them to be doing well and trying to use you? Or do you help others and not question why they need the help?  Take time to answer these questions and work on self while working on others.  I AM!  Doc   

Forgiveness

      Forgiveness – to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has something wrong); to stop blaming (someone); to stop feeling anger about (something); to forgive someone for (something wrong); to stop requiring payment of (money that is owed) (www.merriam-webster.com).  For Christians, forgiveness is essential.  Forgiveness is important because you may block your blessings by harboring anger and resentment for an individual who has possibly moved on without caring, knowing, or acknowledging that you’re angry or resentful towards them.  If Jesus died on the cross for all our sins, why are we unable to forgive a person who has angered or hurt us?  One reason is because we’re human and we often succumb to our fleshly selves, myself included.

      As a child, I remember hearing and saying, “I will forgive you but I won’t forget.”  I said this well into adulthood also.  It was only in recent years that I learned how to truly forgive.  Forgiveness is a challenging task but doable with a lot of prayer.  Even after we have forgiven there is still much work to do.  We must acknowledge our feelings associated with the forgiveness.  What are we to do with these feelings because we must acknowledge how we feel, especially to say that we have truly forgiven the person or the act.  As we see in the definition, the emotions associated with forgiveness is associated with feelings of anger, blaming, hurt, and resentment toward someone or something.  Even when we have forgiven and prayed for forgiveness, we find that this is an ongoing task; you can’t pray about it once and say that you have forgiven and all will be well.  You must continuously pray for strength and ask to be uplifted, especially if the hurt was deeply rooted.   We will not forget how that person or situation made us feel but the goal is to not allow for bitterness to sink in. 

      When we are confronted with the situation or the environment that has angered us, caused us pain, made us angry and resentful, the feelings will resurface, sometimes immediately and sometimes sporadically over time.  There are times when you can avoid the person, place, or thing but there may be situations which catch you off guard and this will be a test of whether you have truly forgiven.  The older I get and the more spiritual I become the more I refuse to allow others to affect my happiness and/ or block my blessings.  I come to find that I remove myself from all people and situations which cause me discomfort, stress, or that which may make me feel angry or resentment.  There are times when you can share with/confront the person making them aware on how they angered and hurt you and this helps in the process of solidifying forgiveness (because you have spoken your peace/ shared your feelings).  There will be times when the person refuses to apologize or acknowledge that they have hurt you.  They may simply say, “deal with it,” or “oh well.”  Take responsibility for your part within the situation, forgive yourself, and move forward- do not stay stagnant in the unforgiveness.  In these moments, you must move forward forgiving them and move forward with your life with or without the individual(s).  As stated forgiveness is for you, your mental well-being, and so that you won’t block any blessings due to you.  Have you forgiven yourself today?  Doc