Dear Little Girl Next Door

As you grow up, you mind may be filled with irrational thoughts and may tell you the grass is greener everywhere except your own yard.  Whatever your observations of your neighbors' yards are, you should continue to cherish, water, and nurture your own lawn.  When you water your own lawn, you know that this grass is green because you watered it, fertilized, it, and nurtured it.  When we are on the outside looking in, looking at another person's life can appear to be so much better than it actually is. What we may not know is whether the neighbor nurture his/her own grass, whether they have sod, or whether they use a landscaper.....  Using a landscaper and taking the credit for someone else's work.  Appreciate what you have even if it's not the best or if it's not what you want.  Work with what you have been given until you can afford to buy your heart's desires.  You must put in work along the way.

As you grow, you will be fed with truths from your home and untruths by your neighbors.  They can tell you anything because you're on the outside looking in.  Your home will deal with truth and prepare you for your future.  Your home will tell you that life will not be easy and it will consist of ups and downs.  You will be told that the world and the people in it owes you nothing and that both are capable of chewing you up and spitting you out in the blink of an eye moving forward as though nothing happened.  However, when you reach adulthood you will disregard the truths that you will be told and exposed to throughout your entire existence only to have the greener grass that the neighbor's have.

When you grow up, you will move away from the home you've known all your life to only ultimately move into the neighbor's home.  Upon moving in, the grass is green and the sun is shining.  Within the blink of an eye, the sun goes down and the storm began to come.  The storm is turning the green grass brown and the sky is cloudy and gray.  Cloudy days continue.  You peep next door to your neighbor's yard and their grass is green.  You peep in the yard you were raised in and that grass is green but it's still storming at your present yard.  You are convinced that this storm will eventually pass on tomorrow, the sun will shine, and the grass will be green again.  The storm continues....

Your questions to yourself begins to become:  When will the sun shine again?  How do I get the green grass to grow again?  Do I continue to stay in this storm when I can go back to my home with green grass?  Do I work hard and struggle to make this observation of green grass work?  Do I build my own home, plant gress seeds, and grow my own green grass?

Everything is not always as it appears; The grass is not always greener on the other side; Trials come to make us stronger;  Common sense is useful:  Pride can take us out; and sometimes our parents really know what they're talking about!  Doc Dee

Random Thoughts

There are so many who have been fed irrational and unhealthy thoughts as children, teenagers, and young adults. When talking to these individuals you can hear their hurt, pain, and sometimes despair. You never know what a person has experienced unless they are transparent enough to share their truth. Just because a person is quiet does not mean that she is arrogant or stuck up- she may just be going through some things. Just because a woman stay up in a man's face doesn't mean that she sleeps with every man she comes in contact with- she may have similar interests as a man (sports, racing, etc). Always be kind with whom ever path you may cross because you may be that very person that keeps them from ending it all. We must stop being judgmental about everything we hear and see. Reality is the only perception. So regardless of what we believe someone's reality is, it is one an assumption until that individual confirms it as truth. All that to say, what may be "normal" for you may not be "normal" for someone else based upon the people they were raised around and the environment they grew up in. 

Regardless of a person's past or present, my goal is to be kind.  I treat others as I want them to treat me.  Yes, some of their stories shock the crap out of me and I may very well be unprepared for what I hear but never at any time when they are disclosing am I judgmental.  Even if I do not agree with their lifestyle, I am not judgmental.  Sometimes we just have to be quiet and listen.  The truth is much deeper than what is being presented.  There are some who think that alcoholics and drug addicts are addicts because they want to be.  Addiction is a disease!  Most addicts use drugs as a coping mechanism for what they have endured in their past- a mask for their pain.  Others have tried drugs out of sheer curiosity and then become addicted, and others may have a genetic predisposition and the smell or taste of it spirals them out of control.  Know their story before judging them.  Speaking from the daughter of a recovering addict.

Overcoming Dysfunction

Last week I was asked this question-

How can you naturally know how to be something you were never raised to be?  Most of us come from such a high level of dysfunction...  How do we become the mother, wife, friend, or professional we want to be when we do not have a blueprint for it?

I had a brief conversation on this topic on Periscope but did not go into detail as I wanted to due to that being my first Periscope experience.  However, I did begin with defining dysfunction.  Dysfunction is defined as the condition of having poor or unhealthy behaviors and attitudes within a group of people; impaired or abnormal functioning; abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction within a group (family dysfunction).  Blueprint is defined as a detailed plan on how to do something; a model or providing guidance.  Prior to being asked this question I had some knowledge regarding parenting and events transpiring from one generation to the next.  There are factors (genetics, education, socioeconomic status, family size, employment/unemployment of parent(s), and motivation)which learn how we learn the things we learn- good, bad, or indifferent.  How we choose to proceed is a matter of choice. 

While completing my research on parenting styles, I was able to understand dysfunction better.  Using the theory called, "Social Learning Theory,"  tells/ confirms that individuals learn through observations of others, live modeling, symbolic modeling, verbal instruction, and by imitating others.  In short, we model what we see and live in (most times).  There are four parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved.  Authoritarian parents are the parents which society feels are too hard on children.  Authoritative parents are characterized as "just right."  Permissive parents are the parents that are non-punitive, acceptant of what the child wants, and desires, and impulse movements.  Uninvolved parents are simply uninvolved; make few demands, responds very little, and little to no communication with her children.  Most African American parents are deemed to be the authoritarian parents because there is a structure and an order to the household which must be followed.  However, there are some permissive parents and uninvolved parents which cause the most problems, especially when their child enters adulthood.  Some have no boundaries and don't realize that there is an order to things.  Others do not realize that the world owes them nothing.  Sink or swim!!  There is hope for those which come from these two parenting styles, especially the uninvolved parenting style.  That hope comes in the form of role models who have vested in this child or children.  These role models can be in the academic setting, the community, church, and or work setting (teenagers/young adults).  These role models can teach through the youth's observation of them, educating the youth/ youth adult, and or interaction with these individuals.  Children imitate what they see, hear, and live in.  The individual has to be motivated to change that which is dysfunctional as well.  They may not realize that they grew up in dysfunction until they are exposed to other individuals and environments.  They must unlearn habits which we previously normal to them.  So in answering the questions presented, once you learn that you were or are living in dysfunction, it is up to you to change your situation.  Educate yourself and surround yourself with people who challenge you to be and do better.  Change your blueprint and become the individual that you desire to be.  The past is the past, live in your present, and design your future.  Doc Dee

Living in Truth

There will be times when you're not going to like me or like what I've said to you but if I am your friend, coach, or counselor trust and believe I am only telling you something that is truthful and/or beneficial. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable and sometimes the truth hurts! However, I am not intentional in hurting people and/or their feelings but I believe in existing in reality. Some many people can't live in their truth but how can you effectively help someone when you can't realize that you own garbage has smelled in the past or currently smells? I recall when I first started working on my degree in Social Work- the text book speaks of not being transparent........ However, the textbook does not fit every situation, especially those which come from poverty, dysfunctional backgrounds, molestation, abuse, trauma, etc....... I am transparent, I live in my truth, and I help others live in theirs regardless of how painful it may be. I am your supporter, I am your cheerleader, and I want you to succeed so that we can succeed together. If you elevate before I do, I will still continue to cheer you own. I will celebrate our successes!!! I will not build you up only to break your spirit once you branch out on your own.  I truly am my sister's keeper.  Happy Hump Day!!!

Surround yourself with like-minded people

We are always told to surround ourselves with like-minded women. Sometimes we never know what all of that entails!! Like-mindedness comes in a variety of packages; short, tall, slim, thick, quiet, not-so-much, saved, unsaved, etc..... I was never one who felt the need to have many females for friends or associates but over the past few years I've had to switch up a bit- voluntarily and involuntarily. All for the better. I've been on a journey for a while now which has caused me some transformation. I'm sure some of my family and friends have felt some type of way because I haven't been available as I previously was. Just know that I'm the same person even though I have changed. I'm less angry, more forgiving, and living in my God-given purpose. It took me some time to understand this and took me some time to embrace this along with the fact that I would have to interact with numerous women. My sister/friend, Kelisa Brown, told me years ago that once I align my life with God and find a good church then and only then would things change for the better. I resisted for years only to become obedient in 2014. Obedience was key!! This has not been an easy journey and I continue to stumble from time to time but I would not change it.  Throughout this journey God has provided me with some good strong God-fearing women to mentor me and step beside me.  With this being said I have been able to take on the challenges that comes with providing secure platforms for women to share their emotions and be transparent so that they can heal.  I am able to be transparent as I heal.  Nothing better than not being judged for your past, present, and expectations of an outstanding future!!  Self-evaluation and self-reflection. Do you like who you are? What will your legacy say about you years from now? Are you fulfilling your God-given purpose?

Constructive Criticism

Good morning family and friends. Happy Wednesday!!! Today is one of those days that started with me receiving some constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is always good when you know how to apply it in your life. There are a lot of individuals who will criticize just because they can while offering you no productive solutions. Needless to say, when life gives you lemons- make lemonade, I always have. On this journey to entrepreneurship people have shown me some things that I expected, didn't expect, taught me some lessons both good and bad, and there were some who were honest enough to tell me when I needed correcting. They did not let the "Doc" hinder them from being who they were genuinely designed to be and for that I am appreciative. I am the same individual that I was before the PhD, before the "Doc," before the LPC, etc........ I helped people then like I help people now. I am genuinely who I was designed to be minus some of the profanity (still working on this one). When you develop your platform, brand, audience, etc.... you become more aware that you may be able to influence people and when you influence them you desire for it to be on a positive level. I've had negative influences and at a time or two I have been a negative influence. The lesson is learn from it, grow from it, apply what benefits you, keep it moving, and possibly use it as part of your testimony (if it benefits the population you serve). I have found that my vision is much bigger than I am so I have to choose my words accordingly as not to loose someone who I may be trying to reach. Whatever your job, career, profession, vision, dream, or tribe consists of make sure that you have genuine people within that circle who is going to tell you the truth, good, bad, or indifferent. Real friends won't allow you be look or act foolish, unless that's what you do for a living! Have a great day!!

What does self-esteem mean to you?

The mind will play tricks on you if you're not careful. Guard your mind as well as your heart. Everyone isn't built to love you and you are not built to settle for everyone that crosses your path. It is good to be in a healthy place before you begin dating.  Date yourself first!  You should know what you want and love. You should know what you will accept and will not accept. You should know the qualities that you want your significant other to have. You should know what qualities you can tell your significant that you bring to the table. Your self esteem has an impact on your thought process and your heart strings. Self esteem is your control towards how you handle your "reality" situations. Self esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about self, such as your appraisal of one's own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. Your self esteem have factors which are a major influence. These factors are: culture, family, relationships, work, health, friends, sexual relationships, television, newspapers, commercials, and internet. 

There are three components of self-esteem: self-esteem is an essential human need that is vital for survival and development; self esteem arises automatically from within based upon a person's beliefs and consciousness; and self esteem occurs in conjunction with thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and actions.  I recall when I was a teenager and I used to feel self conscious about my legs.  I have skinny legs and I would never wear dresses or shorts because I didn't want anyone to see my legs .  As long as I had on pants I had very high self esteem.  When I wore wear dresses (to church) I would hurry to get where I was going (to a seat) and hide my legs by sitting down quickly and ensuring that no one saw my legs or I wore dresses which went to the ankle.  My mind played tricks on me having me to believe that everyone was looking at my skinny legs when in fact no one cared but me.  The older I got the more I embraced my petite frame- long slender legs (most women would die for, lol).  I've never been one to care about what others thought to the fact that it affected my self esteem but there are many women who do.  To those women I say, Love you, all of you, imperfections, flaws, and all!!  If you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to do?