NOT MY FIRST CHOICE

Not my first choice but my best choice.   After a conversation with my pastor and my husband last night, I reflected back to when I first met the young man who became my husband.  I was at a sale minding my own business trying to get a deal not a man.  I gave this young man my business card which included the telephone number to my office vs. my home number because I had no intentions with communicating with him outside of business hours.  Only to arrive to work the following Monday morning with an answering service with numerous messages where he’d tried to contact me.  I was uninterested due to him being short and “chunky” and him being in a relationship with someone.  He was not my ideal man but he was persistent in his pursuit of me.  I was not interested but flattered by his pursuit.  Regardless of what I desired, he made it happen- morning, noon, or night.  He originally was the maintenance man but became the main man and eventually my Boaz.  We have been together over fifteen years with numerous transitions (good, bad, and indifferent) throughout those years.  He changed because he desired to change and I changed because I desired to change.  We both were perfectly flawed people (he had more flaws than I did lol) who agreed and later vowed to make our union work.  People do not change unless they want to change regardless of how much people desire a change for them.  I recall having a conversation with my husband when we were “friends” and my telling him that I couldn’t be with him because I had a career and refused to lose my career over a man with his profession (at that time).  From that point forward, he began to change and transition so that he could secure what he wanted (me).  He came from a dysfunctional upbringing and environment so to get a man to change or a man desiring to change was/is a big deal.  I was used to argue (all the time) prior to getting in a relationship with him but this was something that he wouldn’t allow.  I would argue, he would walk out and leave the house.  I attempted to argue, he would walk out and leave the house.  Eventually I stopped arguing because you can’t argue by yourself and felt stupid standing up there by myself.  Not to say that we are perfect and don’t have disagreements but we say what we have to say to each other and agree to disagree or agree to talk about it and then let it go.  We don’t harbor resentment for one another or our past and we apologize to each other when necessary.  Neither one of us is always right (even though I’d like to think I’m always right, lol).  We have learned a lot from each other and grown together, especially in the past two years.  Once we invited God into our relationship and marriage we became unstoppable.  There are many who through word of mouth, social media, and the likes have separated us and divorced us while we’re solid as a rock.  It’s amazing what happens when you allow God to lead you and your marriage.  Who would have EVER thought that Garry Cannady would stop drinking, partying, and be ordained a Deacon.  I surely never thought it!  With love, constant pushing and motivation, along with a good support system even the roughest of the roughest can transition into someone amazing.  He was not my first choice but he was my best choice.  He is my BOAZ and there’s nothing that I or anyone else can do it about it.  Would I trade him for another?  No because we have taught each other a number of things on this journey we have taken together.  Most importantly we have taught our children what a healthy relationship and love looks like.  Doc Dee

Human First, Woman Second, & Professional Third

Human First, Woman Second, & Professional Third.  I think people often lose sight of who they are and how they feel once they reach a certain level of education and career status.  Guess what!  We still have feelings; good, bad, and indifferent.  We dislike people, we love people, we dove things that we have no business doing, we do things that get us recognition (sometimes unwanted recognition), we have a past, present, and a future.  We feel……  As humans, as women, and as professionals.  As a human, we care about what happens to our fellow “man,” because it is a part of our natural instinct and if we’re in a helping profession our instinct is heightened just a bit more.  As women, we take on others problems and concerns when we really shouldn’t- we feel when they feel, we hurt when they hurt, we celebrate when they celebrate but when we are wronged by another woman they we begin to distrust all women.  We tend to stay stuck in the past, especially the past of another.  Isn’t everyone worthy of second chances?  God is a God of second chances so why are we so hard to forgive or fellow “man.”  As a professional, we sometimes get so enthralled in the title that we forget who we are because we become who the public decided we should be.  Some people find it difficult to separate the two or balance the two.  Sometimes the “personal” self can interfere with the “professional” self especially if there is a sense of false identity.  I think that I am one of few people who is the same across the board when intertwining personal and professional self successfully living in total transparency.  Do I tell my consumers my business?  No, but if there is a life situation that I can apply to get them to better understand something which I am explaining something to them then I use that life situation in discussion, counseling, and in daily application of life’s circumstances.  Professional or not, we are all human first and we all feel.  Doc Dee

Borrowed Time

There are instances where God puts people in our lives on borrowed time.  Within the time frame we are given with these people, we are there to make an impact whether it is a positive impact or a negative impact.  We must remember we are here to serve a purpose, a God-given purpose, and that we will NOT be able to save everyone who comes across our paths.  When we are unable to help these individuals, we can’t view this as a failure but simply view it as a person that you were not intended to “save.”  That person will be affected by you and may even reflect on words of wisdom which you have given them.  They will remember the lessons they learned from you, directly and indirectly.  For ever one that you don’t save there is another standing by, watching and listening to the words you speak.  These individuals may never utter a word to you but best believe that you have affected them.  

There are days when I sit and wonder where I failed as a parent with my own daughter.  Then there are other days that I know that I didn’t fail but she just simply decided to design her own path.  We must remember that we were once young and regardless of the words of wisdom which our mothers, grandmothers, aunts, teachers, etc… told us and instilled in us- we still designed our own path.  There are days when I wonder what happened with some of the individuals I counseled with, in the past and every now and then I get a phone call, text message, or an inbox that says “Thank You.”  I provide real life situations and tough love but I’m always just a phone call away for those who need help.  

For all of us in the helping field, this is our passion, whether we want it to be or not.  The other day I listened as my sister/friend provided her probationers with tough love.  She told them that they were coming in with that payment but she also sat down and gave them real life scenarios which ensured that this was not the worst thing in their lives and that they could bounce back from it.  We do what we do because we care, not for show.  We are transparent with the people we serve because that is who we are.  We work with the less fortunate because we have been there.  Regardless of how much money we make and will make in the future, our roles are “service to mankind.”  Doc Dee

Dear Little Girl Next Door

As you grow up, you mind may be filled with irrational thoughts and may tell you the grass is greener everywhere except your own yard.  Whatever your observations of your neighbors' yards are, you should continue to cherish, water, and nurture your own lawn.  When you water your own lawn, you know that this grass is green because you watered it, fertilized, it, and nurtured it.  When we are on the outside looking in, looking at another person's life can appear to be so much better than it actually is. What we may not know is whether the neighbor nurture his/her own grass, whether they have sod, or whether they use a landscaper.....  Using a landscaper and taking the credit for someone else's work.  Appreciate what you have even if it's not the best or if it's not what you want.  Work with what you have been given until you can afford to buy your heart's desires.  You must put in work along the way.

As you grow, you will be fed with truths from your home and untruths by your neighbors.  They can tell you anything because you're on the outside looking in.  Your home will deal with truth and prepare you for your future.  Your home will tell you that life will not be easy and it will consist of ups and downs.  You will be told that the world and the people in it owes you nothing and that both are capable of chewing you up and spitting you out in the blink of an eye moving forward as though nothing happened.  However, when you reach adulthood you will disregard the truths that you will be told and exposed to throughout your entire existence only to have the greener grass that the neighbor's have.

When you grow up, you will move away from the home you've known all your life to only ultimately move into the neighbor's home.  Upon moving in, the grass is green and the sun is shining.  Within the blink of an eye, the sun goes down and the storm began to come.  The storm is turning the green grass brown and the sky is cloudy and gray.  Cloudy days continue.  You peep next door to your neighbor's yard and their grass is green.  You peep in the yard you were raised in and that grass is green but it's still storming at your present yard.  You are convinced that this storm will eventually pass on tomorrow, the sun will shine, and the grass will be green again.  The storm continues....

Your questions to yourself begins to become:  When will the sun shine again?  How do I get the green grass to grow again?  Do I continue to stay in this storm when I can go back to my home with green grass?  Do I work hard and struggle to make this observation of green grass work?  Do I build my own home, plant gress seeds, and grow my own green grass?

Everything is not always as it appears; The grass is not always greener on the other side; Trials come to make us stronger;  Common sense is useful:  Pride can take us out; and sometimes our parents really know what they're talking about!  Doc Dee

Random Thoughts

There are so many who have been fed irrational and unhealthy thoughts as children, teenagers, and young adults. When talking to these individuals you can hear their hurt, pain, and sometimes despair. You never know what a person has experienced unless they are transparent enough to share their truth. Just because a person is quiet does not mean that she is arrogant or stuck up- she may just be going through some things. Just because a woman stay up in a man's face doesn't mean that she sleeps with every man she comes in contact with- she may have similar interests as a man (sports, racing, etc). Always be kind with whom ever path you may cross because you may be that very person that keeps them from ending it all. We must stop being judgmental about everything we hear and see. Reality is the only perception. So regardless of what we believe someone's reality is, it is one an assumption until that individual confirms it as truth. All that to say, what may be "normal" for you may not be "normal" for someone else based upon the people they were raised around and the environment they grew up in. 

Regardless of a person's past or present, my goal is to be kind.  I treat others as I want them to treat me.  Yes, some of their stories shock the crap out of me and I may very well be unprepared for what I hear but never at any time when they are disclosing am I judgmental.  Even if I do not agree with their lifestyle, I am not judgmental.  Sometimes we just have to be quiet and listen.  The truth is much deeper than what is being presented.  There are some who think that alcoholics and drug addicts are addicts because they want to be.  Addiction is a disease!  Most addicts use drugs as a coping mechanism for what they have endured in their past- a mask for their pain.  Others have tried drugs out of sheer curiosity and then become addicted, and others may have a genetic predisposition and the smell or taste of it spirals them out of control.  Know their story before judging them.  Speaking from the daughter of a recovering addict.