Living in Truth

There will be times when you're not going to like me or like what I've said to you but if I am your friend, coach, or counselor trust and believe I am only telling you something that is truthful and/or beneficial. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable and sometimes the truth hurts! However, I am not intentional in hurting people and/or their feelings but I believe in existing in reality. Some many people can't live in their truth but how can you effectively help someone when you can't realize that you own garbage has smelled in the past or currently smells? I recall when I first started working on my degree in Social Work- the text book speaks of not being transparent........ However, the textbook does not fit every situation, especially those which come from poverty, dysfunctional backgrounds, molestation, abuse, trauma, etc....... I am transparent, I live in my truth, and I help others live in theirs regardless of how painful it may be. I am your supporter, I am your cheerleader, and I want you to succeed so that we can succeed together. If you elevate before I do, I will still continue to cheer you own. I will celebrate our successes!!! I will not build you up only to break your spirit once you branch out on your own.  I truly am my sister's keeper.  Happy Hump Day!!!

Surround yourself with like-minded people

We are always told to surround ourselves with like-minded women. Sometimes we never know what all of that entails!! Like-mindedness comes in a variety of packages; short, tall, slim, thick, quiet, not-so-much, saved, unsaved, etc..... I was never one who felt the need to have many females for friends or associates but over the past few years I've had to switch up a bit- voluntarily and involuntarily. All for the better. I've been on a journey for a while now which has caused me some transformation. I'm sure some of my family and friends have felt some type of way because I haven't been available as I previously was. Just know that I'm the same person even though I have changed. I'm less angry, more forgiving, and living in my God-given purpose. It took me some time to understand this and took me some time to embrace this along with the fact that I would have to interact with numerous women. My sister/friend, Kelisa Brown, told me years ago that once I align my life with God and find a good church then and only then would things change for the better. I resisted for years only to become obedient in 2014. Obedience was key!! This has not been an easy journey and I continue to stumble from time to time but I would not change it.  Throughout this journey God has provided me with some good strong God-fearing women to mentor me and step beside me.  With this being said I have been able to take on the challenges that comes with providing secure platforms for women to share their emotions and be transparent so that they can heal.  I am able to be transparent as I heal.  Nothing better than not being judged for your past, present, and expectations of an outstanding future!!  Self-evaluation and self-reflection. Do you like who you are? What will your legacy say about you years from now? Are you fulfilling your God-given purpose?

Constructive Criticism

Good morning family and friends. Happy Wednesday!!! Today is one of those days that started with me receiving some constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is always good when you know how to apply it in your life. There are a lot of individuals who will criticize just because they can while offering you no productive solutions. Needless to say, when life gives you lemons- make lemonade, I always have. On this journey to entrepreneurship people have shown me some things that I expected, didn't expect, taught me some lessons both good and bad, and there were some who were honest enough to tell me when I needed correcting. They did not let the "Doc" hinder them from being who they were genuinely designed to be and for that I am appreciative. I am the same individual that I was before the PhD, before the "Doc," before the LPC, etc........ I helped people then like I help people now. I am genuinely who I was designed to be minus some of the profanity (still working on this one). When you develop your platform, brand, audience, etc.... you become more aware that you may be able to influence people and when you influence them you desire for it to be on a positive level. I've had negative influences and at a time or two I have been a negative influence. The lesson is learn from it, grow from it, apply what benefits you, keep it moving, and possibly use it as part of your testimony (if it benefits the population you serve). I have found that my vision is much bigger than I am so I have to choose my words accordingly as not to loose someone who I may be trying to reach. Whatever your job, career, profession, vision, dream, or tribe consists of make sure that you have genuine people within that circle who is going to tell you the truth, good, bad, or indifferent. Real friends won't allow you be look or act foolish, unless that's what you do for a living! Have a great day!!

What does self-esteem mean to you?

The mind will play tricks on you if you're not careful. Guard your mind as well as your heart. Everyone isn't built to love you and you are not built to settle for everyone that crosses your path. It is good to be in a healthy place before you begin dating.  Date yourself first!  You should know what you want and love. You should know what you will accept and will not accept. You should know the qualities that you want your significant other to have. You should know what qualities you can tell your significant that you bring to the table. Your self esteem has an impact on your thought process and your heart strings. Self esteem is your control towards how you handle your "reality" situations. Self esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about self, such as your appraisal of one's own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. Your self esteem have factors which are a major influence. These factors are: culture, family, relationships, work, health, friends, sexual relationships, television, newspapers, commercials, and internet. 

There are three components of self-esteem: self-esteem is an essential human need that is vital for survival and development; self esteem arises automatically from within based upon a person's beliefs and consciousness; and self esteem occurs in conjunction with thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and actions.  I recall when I was a teenager and I used to feel self conscious about my legs.  I have skinny legs and I would never wear dresses or shorts because I didn't want anyone to see my legs .  As long as I had on pants I had very high self esteem.  When I wore wear dresses (to church) I would hurry to get where I was going (to a seat) and hide my legs by sitting down quickly and ensuring that no one saw my legs or I wore dresses which went to the ankle.  My mind played tricks on me having me to believe that everyone was looking at my skinny legs when in fact no one cared but me.  The older I got the more I embraced my petite frame- long slender legs (most women would die for, lol).  I've never been one to care about what others thought to the fact that it affected my self esteem but there are many women who do.  To those women I say, Love you, all of you, imperfections, flaws, and all!!  If you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to do? 

Emotional Days

I have really been in touch with my emotions lately.  From the graduating of my daughter, my stepdaughter,   My daughter going off to college, my son's medication working, not working, and my older son going to fifth grade, and day-to-day life experiences.  Well I have never been one to cry but last week I guess I had pinned up so much emotions along with frustrations I just started crying.  I actually cried!!!  I cried for the first time in God knows how long.  I shared the fact that I cried.  I felt better after I cried!!  Well on Monday,  a good friend of mine was killed in a tragic accident.  I am still in shock and in disbelief that he is gone.  I did not realize how much of a part of my/ our life as he has been.  Every special event and holiday he has been a part of it the past few years.  Cherish your friends while they are here (even though I did)!! I will miss him and I'm glad that I have good memories with him and about him.  Give me my flowers while I'm alive!!

Are you Wearing A Mask????

Are You Wearing A Mask?

October is usually the month we all play dress up, put on costumes and even masks.  However, there are some who wear masks on a daily basis.  We wear masks to hide hurt, pain, shame, uncertainty, and to hide our scars (internally and externally).  Some of the masks that we wear can include make-up, nice or expensive hair-do, expensive clothing/shoes, and something as simple as a smile.  Others mask pain through excessive laughter, humor, anger, promiscuity, alcoholism, and/or substance abuse.   All this appears to take away your pain, especially while others are looking at and talking to you.  Most people learn in their early years coping techniques and defense mechanisms when it comes to protecting themselves from the hurts and harms of others.  Some encounter situations where there are required to hide their deepest darkest fears and secrets from other, if not there may be repercussions so they internalize.

In reading an article by Karyn Hall, PhD, she named several different masks: “Avoidance Mask; People Pleaser Mask; Mask of Anger; and the Happy Mask.  The Avoidance Mask is where you avoid all pain and protect your authentic self.  In this mask you can also feel powerless, feel judged, rejected, and left out.  The Functional Mask is the mask that you wear to work when you need to look like you’re in charge.”  You have dressed the part, rehearsed the part, Ready, Set, Action!!!!  You take this mask off when no one is around.  “People Pleaser Mask – this is when you do whatever it takes to make other people happy so that they will accept you more and attack you less.  You keep your feelings and opinions to yourself as not to be verbally attacked by family, friend, peers, and co-workers.   “Mask of Anger -Anger feels more powerful than hurt.  It protects you from being vulnerable.”  I often say Hurt people will hurt people!!  “Happy Mask- You protect yourself by acting happy all the time.  You act as though nothing gets you down!!”  You laugh excessively, joke, and smile to hide your hurts.  Any/all emotions can be used as a mask- stop masking your hurts, pains, shame, insecurities, and scars.  These masks work short-term but cause long-term problems if untreated/ unresolved.  You lose your self-identity and self-worth.

My original question- Are you wearing a mask?  What does your mask consist of?  Are you ready to take off your mask and find out who you truly are?  Reclaim your identity!!!  You can do this by:

Making the decision to do so- Take off your mask!!  It may not be easy but take baby steps and ask for help (if needed) to remove this mask.

Focusing on you, your feelings- Ask yourself what do you think and how do you feel.  Keep a journal (journal daily) if you don’t want to share your thoughts and feelings initially.

Being visible- Stand up straight, arch your back, walk with your chest out, voice your opinions (thoughtfully and tactfully).  Let the world know that you exist!!

Developing new coping skills- Deep breathing techniques, exercising, writing, journaling, drawing, singing, dancing, public speaking, helping others, etc….

Face that painful past which you have been avoiding!!  Take baby steps, get a support system/team together, get new coping techniques and take off that mask!!!!   Doc Dee

Blended Families

 
A Blended Family is a marriage in which one or both spouses become a stepparent (new parent), regardless of the age of the children (www.blendedfamilies.com).  My husband and myself became a blended family 13-14 years ago.  He became a stepfather to one and I became a stepmother to two.  Our road has not been easy but we have traveled this road together.  We gave a vow to God to love each other for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  Sometimes other people can bring situations to your marriage through your children/ their children.  In situations such as this, don't let it break you, simply communicate.  Talk it out, debate it out (agree to disagree but talk it out), and then love it out.  Love through the storm.


 Statistics on blended families:



About 75% of those who divorce will remarry, most within two years.  Psychologists say it takes four to eight years for a remarried family to “gel” and feel like a family.  The divorce rate for remarriages with children is almost 65%, with most divorces occurring within the first four years—before the family has had time to blend.  Over 50% of most Christian church congregations are in, or are related to, a blended family (i.e. couples, children, youth, grandparents, extended family, etc.) (www.blendedfamilies.com).

Common blending issues

The parent and stepparent typically do not treat children in the blended family equally.  Many stepparents find it difficult to love their stepchildren.  Remarried spouses often make their biological children a greater priority than their new spouse, which strains the new marriage relationship.
Children of divorce often resist connecting to the new family.  Discipline from a stepparent often results in opposition, frustration, and disrespect.  Children of divorce usually have two homes, with different rules and methods of discipline.  Extended families do not always accept the new spouse or the stepchildren, causing added hurt.  Remarried spouses often have difficulty working with the other biological parent.  Remarried spouses often find it difficult understanding or adapting to the new role as a stepparent (www.blendedfamilies.com).  The website spoke of remarried spouses but the same issues arise with individuals who have nor been married.  Sometimes it is even harder when this is your first marriage and you're blending your families with absent and/or resistant baby mommas/ baby daddies.  Very few are fortunate to have a cordial relationship (initially or ever) with their children's absent parent.  Also, the absent parent may cause problems for your marriage so be aware that this may happen- pray against it but be prepared. 

My advice through personal experience is communication, communication, communication!!  Communication with your kids, communication with his kids, and most importantly communication with your spouse.  If your spouse and your children are having a rift, you have to back away and allow them to work through the problems.  If you continue to save your child or your spouse when they have problems (unless they are young children), then you're showing your child/ your spouse is who is more important (even though you're just trying to keep the peace).  As parents, we want to protect everyone that is around us but we can't handle everything.  Sometimes you have to pray about it and give it to God.  In addition, in my next blog I will offer some coping skills to help you weather the storm and assist you in working on and keeping your marriage together!!
                                                                                                                         Love Doc